Once upon a time…

…there was a boy called Dom. He lived in La La Land. It was a place where few people lived and those who did were said to have supernatural powers. Those who said that lived in La La Land themselves. His mother and father loved him very much and so they sent him to a private school. Even so Dom was not happy because elder sister Allegra, who was smarter than Dom, was a boarder at her school and Dom had to go home every night. Dom also didn’t like that his school was mixed as he thought all girls were misfits and freaks. The girls quite liked him as he was quirky and bright. He made and played with robots, each one individually named. His favourite was Alexandra de Panfort named after his best friend Bo. The connection between the names could not be explained but Dom said he knew why and would not reveal that to anyone apart from his other best friend Lee who was a writing whizz and started a school magazine.

Dom had a column in the mag and wrote about all sorts of things. These included why La La Land should be declared a separate republic of its own. His even suggested building a big wall to protect La La inhabitants from the rest of the country to avoid any contamination from people Dom considered inferior including those who wanted to seek refuge in La La Land. Allegra would often chastise Dom for his substandard intellect, her nickname for him was “Dim Dom”, and sometimes she would also involve evil cousin Carrie who relished any opportunity to put Dom down. She actually wanted to really “put him down” such was her malice and dislike of poor bullied Dom. The shrinks and senior officials of La La Land tried to help but Dom considered them all to be a “blob…as thick as s**t and lazy as toads”.

When Dom left school he graduated from the La La Polytechnic with a first class degree in Ancient Apocryphal Tales and the History of British Castles. His mother said that from an early age he wanted to be a king and live in a castle. Unfortunately he suffered

with poor eyesight and so would eat ten carrots every day as the local shaman Nigel advised. After a failed trip to Russia to become a post modern Bolshevik and an abortive attempt at reinventing the aeroplane for his Teutonic allies – he hadn’t realised they already had a national airline – he returned to La La Land and was immediately incarcerated for not being able to prove his sanity.

Nonetheless his talent and ability to think outside the cardboard box did not go unnoticed. The day soon came when King Bernard of North Umber invited him to become Head of Wisdom and Condescension in that kingdom. Dom jumped at the chance and was even given his own special ophthalmologist in case he suffered any distress from having pirilli eyes. So distinct were they that he could make sheep freak with one stare. Such was his prowess the king then made Dom Prescient Strategic guru granting him freedom to pursue his goal of making the region a meritocratic technopolis. The semantically challenged king wasn’t quite sure what that meant and sought advice from Dom’s uncle Don in the faraway land of Milk’nHoney. Don was also a self declared guru who had mastered the art of winning when he loses. Best friend Bo was a great fan and shared the same hairstylist as Don which led to claims of nepotism by neighbouring warlord Sir K, another man whose hairstyle was the envy of all the lads.

Don’s advice proved futile and six months later he was in jail having failed to declare his moonlighting job of cosmetic surgeon for McDonald’s employees. They paid him in kind with unlimited burgers and fries which he would sometimes share with his glamorous family. While in jail he set up a cement factory and sold his products to the Mexican government. Sadly, just like his uncle the tale for Dom ended in tears. Dom’s capricious behaviour was not in tune with the La La Land etiquette and he was banished to Boo Loo Land with nothing to show but a box full of microchips and algorithms. Dom has since received many lucrative offers to tell his story as a book, a film, a radio play and a Cypriot sitcom.

** as told to Barney Efthimiou by Melankina Chrysafi